he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I will pee on everything he values.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
