I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
