My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
