It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
