Just fell off a train. Bad.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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