My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
