I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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