you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
