Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
did i just pee glitter
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