We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Just high enough for therapy.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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