i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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