Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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