a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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