Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
