Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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