i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Can you bring me the toilet please
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
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