I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
