I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
How does one acquire holy water?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
