i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Randomize
