i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
