Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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