you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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