I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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