Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
