Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I think I sprained my soul last night
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
