i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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