Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
