I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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