Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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