It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
