I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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