Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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