So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
