I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
