Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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