When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Randomize
