I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
