Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Randomize
