Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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