I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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