Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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