i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
