Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
