never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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