Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Can you bring me the toilet please
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
