cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
