yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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