she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
