girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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