he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
