I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
