it was like eating out sand paper
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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