be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
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