Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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