She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
