I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
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I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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