Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
