I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
