Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
